time is a difficult concept to grasp. each day seems unbearably long, and then on one of those days you wake up and realize that you have lived for nearly sixty of them already, and how did that happen without you noticing?
well, the time has come. that certain time when you know things are going to be different; it is the time when one chapter ends and another begins, or in my case, when the previous chapter resumes. the time has come when dreaded goodbyes overlap with long awaited hellos and other such greetings, the time when reality strikes you suddenly and maliciously and without remorse. it's time to go home.
don't get me wrong, i absolutely cannot WAIT to go home!! to my family and friends and cats and just.. home. but.. sixty days seems like such a short time frame to get to know another place, and the people that inhabit it. it's like a slice of time just jammed into an available crack in my life. it seems i have just begun to connect with the kids here, and am becoming more comfortable, but now that it's time to leave i realize i may not ever see them again. how can you spend sixty days with someone and then just.. say goodbye?
four days from now i will be on a plane, and eight hours from then i will be on the other side of the world again. but the four days between then and now will seem both arduously long and painfully much too short, simultaneously. time is a funny thing. but definitely not funny-haha.
it's hard to describe how i feel, but i am going to try the best i can to describe it: i feel as if i'm standing on a block of ice that is floating in the water, slowly melting away as i search for a piece of land to jump to. there are islands surrounding me, i can see them! but my block of ice is nearly done in and the islands are too far to swim to. so, what do i do? i consider my options...and then realize i have no idea what they are. so i wait.
i don't know what i'm waiting for, but i'm waiting nonetheless. it just seems like the thing to do, i suppose. when i get home, the house will be there waiting for me, my car, uni program, and mum will be waiting for me, and my reality will be waiting for me. everything is waiting, so i will too. when i get home, i will live in my house, drive to and from school everyday, kiss my mum hello and goodbye, and i will merge into the old life i remember. but how can i go on in *that* life, when i have such a vivid memory of my life *here*? will i forget what i've seen, or felt? will i become a robot, rehearsing my daily tasks as i did before? my block of ice continues to melt.. there's a panic in my heart for an answer. and the ice continues to melt.
after seeing 'in touch' three times, 'closest to the moon' four times, 'spring awakening' eleven times (not counting the other two shows i was backstage photographing the band), and several other non-rsamd related performances, i'd say i've had a decent run of the 2010 edinburgh fringe festival. it was a pleasure to accompany this group for the month, there are just not enough words to describe how delightful they are, and i wonder if they realize how much of my heart they have nabbed. i love them, and now it is time to say goodbye. i hate goodbyes.
i think i have probably said enough for tonight..haha. four days left of this adventure.. i don't know whether to cry or to laugh! i've appreciated my time here so much, a part of me wishes i could stay. another part just wants wednesday to be now. in any case, and either way, my scotland experience draws to a close. and the ice continues to melt.. and i continue to wait.. [curtain.]
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
the latest developments.
dear faithful readers:
i know i have let you down one too many times now, leaving you in the dark for nearly a month.. (that's scary). to be fair, it's safe to say that i've been keeping relatively busy, between the festival trips, the technology difficulties, and the radiator leaks- oh, and the occasional trip to vintage lane.
well, the fringe kids are as incredible as ever. i have watched spring awakening nine times now, and am still not sick of it in the least! in all honesty, they are the most talented group..and it feels so rewarding to know them, and to "work" alongside them. so yes, i am "working", i suppose: flyering for the show, handing out programs, and carting around the headshot poster to set up at the shows. i was given a bit less work -yet a bit more..- than i had originally expected. i didn't think front of house manager (that's me!) would have to take the big poster home on the train, or take out the trash..but, such are the joys of responsibility..atleast i got a pass to help me get in to some shows for free! i've yet to take real advantage of that but i'll get there.
so a few days ago, my computer gave me the blue screen of death, restarting itself over and over repeating that there was a problem with my computer (well, duh!). i was so afraid that i had lost all of my photos, and also really sad that i couldn't communicate with anyone in that way. i did take it to a shop though and paid a sum of pounds that was hard to part with..but they did recover my pictures!! i lost all of my music, but i suppose that doesn't matter now since my ipod has also failed me. stupid technology.. so i have now been happily reunited with my lappy.
the latest development was that radiator water had decided to leak from the upstairs flat down into our kitchen through the ceiling light fixture! and what's more, i stumbled upon the drips at 3:30 in the morning when i had gotten up to get a glass of water.. awesome! at first i wasn't sure if i should wake dani, because she needs her sleep for the shows..but i thought it was possible for it could be dangerous. so after i sopped up the already formed puddle with a towel and set down buckets (i was just lucky not to get electrocuted from the initial turning on of the kitchen light), i woke dani and hurried upstairs to bang on the door of the flat above. i knocked...and knocked.. and banged! -no answer. so i called upon their neighbors, who were miraculously still awake, watching football, who said that the people living in the flat were away. so off i go, searching for numbers for management, calling emergency plumbing numbers. but who expects a call at 4am? it was really difficult to get a hold of any human being that wasn't telling me to call back during regular hours. eventually i just told dani to go back to bed and that i'd handle it. got a hold of a plumber, but there wasn't really much he could do without being able to get into the flat above. so he said he'd come round first thing in the morning. i was considering calling the police, just so that maybe they could open the door or something.. but in the morning, the plumber came and told us that it was just radtiator water, which is harmless, and which had already started to slow to a trickle. he said the resevoir would run out of fluid soon enough and that we shouldn't have to worry about it anymore. poor dani, feeling all stressed out, not being able to leave for edinburgh early. she ofcourse made it with time to spare, but they had wanted her to flyer i guess. so, the whole ordeal has settled, i guess you could say. the people came home and we let them know about the situation, and the leaking has, like plumber man said, stopped. doesn't look like i'll be drowning any more!!
on the days i haven't gone to edinburgh - which haven't been many..- i took short trips to the west end to snoop around in the vintage and antique shops. i spent a while in a book shop, too, that had an adorable upstairs attic part full of old books. it was lovely. i met a woman on the train today that reminded me so much of my auntie tracey. she was soft spoken and beautiful, very natural and healthy looking; she practiced massage therapy, did yoga and meditation in the morning, and loved natural oils and travelling. we talked about positive energy (SO auntie tracey, right?!) and how to let things that would normally upset us come in and then leave, making sure we didn't we don't dwell on the negative energies around us. she actually made me feel like i could practice enough to be as calm and gentle as her. she also gave me a website for these trips i can take in scotland into the highlands for hillwalks or to the pubs for live music, with an organized group of people. it actually sounds like a lot of fun, i will check it out. like my aunt, i feel like she understood me somehow.. and that connection felt vulnerable, but quite nice.
some of my family are actually in manitoba now, visiting relatives, and i wish i could have come along with them. what a treat that would be. i'm missing my mom's voice, my kittens' fur, my car, the great conversations we all get into with the family.. i feel a little torn, and it's a strange sensation: i can't wait to go home to everything and everyone familiar and missed, but i am feeling really very reluctant to leave the people that i have met here.. it seems that i have gotten close to them all for naught, as when i leave, i wouldn't doubt that i'll never see any of them again. and that makes me terribly heartbroken.
anyway, for once i am feeling sleepy before midnight, so i think i will wrap this one up. i'll try to write more often now, i apologize for the dry spell. lots of love to you all xoxoxo
i know i have let you down one too many times now, leaving you in the dark for nearly a month.. (that's scary). to be fair, it's safe to say that i've been keeping relatively busy, between the festival trips, the technology difficulties, and the radiator leaks- oh, and the occasional trip to vintage lane.
well, the fringe kids are as incredible as ever. i have watched spring awakening nine times now, and am still not sick of it in the least! in all honesty, they are the most talented group..and it feels so rewarding to know them, and to "work" alongside them. so yes, i am "working", i suppose: flyering for the show, handing out programs, and carting around the headshot poster to set up at the shows. i was given a bit less work -yet a bit more..- than i had originally expected. i didn't think front of house manager (that's me!) would have to take the big poster home on the train, or take out the trash..but, such are the joys of responsibility..atleast i got a pass to help me get in to some shows for free! i've yet to take real advantage of that but i'll get there.
so a few days ago, my computer gave me the blue screen of death, restarting itself over and over repeating that there was a problem with my computer (well, duh!). i was so afraid that i had lost all of my photos, and also really sad that i couldn't communicate with anyone in that way. i did take it to a shop though and paid a sum of pounds that was hard to part with..but they did recover my pictures!! i lost all of my music, but i suppose that doesn't matter now since my ipod has also failed me. stupid technology.. so i have now been happily reunited with my lappy.
the latest development was that radiator water had decided to leak from the upstairs flat down into our kitchen through the ceiling light fixture! and what's more, i stumbled upon the drips at 3:30 in the morning when i had gotten up to get a glass of water.. awesome! at first i wasn't sure if i should wake dani, because she needs her sleep for the shows..but i thought it was possible for it could be dangerous. so after i sopped up the already formed puddle with a towel and set down buckets (i was just lucky not to get electrocuted from the initial turning on of the kitchen light), i woke dani and hurried upstairs to bang on the door of the flat above. i knocked...and knocked.. and banged! -no answer. so i called upon their neighbors, who were miraculously still awake, watching football, who said that the people living in the flat were away. so off i go, searching for numbers for management, calling emergency plumbing numbers. but who expects a call at 4am? it was really difficult to get a hold of any human being that wasn't telling me to call back during regular hours. eventually i just told dani to go back to bed and that i'd handle it. got a hold of a plumber, but there wasn't really much he could do without being able to get into the flat above. so he said he'd come round first thing in the morning. i was considering calling the police, just so that maybe they could open the door or something.. but in the morning, the plumber came and told us that it was just radtiator water, which is harmless, and which had already started to slow to a trickle. he said the resevoir would run out of fluid soon enough and that we shouldn't have to worry about it anymore. poor dani, feeling all stressed out, not being able to leave for edinburgh early. she ofcourse made it with time to spare, but they had wanted her to flyer i guess. so, the whole ordeal has settled, i guess you could say. the people came home and we let them know about the situation, and the leaking has, like plumber man said, stopped. doesn't look like i'll be drowning any more!!
on the days i haven't gone to edinburgh - which haven't been many..- i took short trips to the west end to snoop around in the vintage and antique shops. i spent a while in a book shop, too, that had an adorable upstairs attic part full of old books. it was lovely. i met a woman on the train today that reminded me so much of my auntie tracey. she was soft spoken and beautiful, very natural and healthy looking; she practiced massage therapy, did yoga and meditation in the morning, and loved natural oils and travelling. we talked about positive energy (SO auntie tracey, right?!) and how to let things that would normally upset us come in and then leave, making sure we didn't we don't dwell on the negative energies around us. she actually made me feel like i could practice enough to be as calm and gentle as her. she also gave me a website for these trips i can take in scotland into the highlands for hillwalks or to the pubs for live music, with an organized group of people. it actually sounds like a lot of fun, i will check it out. like my aunt, i feel like she understood me somehow.. and that connection felt vulnerable, but quite nice.
some of my family are actually in manitoba now, visiting relatives, and i wish i could have come along with them. what a treat that would be. i'm missing my mom's voice, my kittens' fur, my car, the great conversations we all get into with the family.. i feel a little torn, and it's a strange sensation: i can't wait to go home to everything and everyone familiar and missed, but i am feeling really very reluctant to leave the people that i have met here.. it seems that i have gotten close to them all for naught, as when i leave, i wouldn't doubt that i'll never see any of them again. and that makes me terribly heartbroken.
anyway, for once i am feeling sleepy before midnight, so i think i will wrap this one up. i'll try to write more often now, i apologize for the dry spell. lots of love to you all xoxoxo
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