midterm blues

well here i am, almost sixty days later, nearly the same amount of time i was in scotland for. and, as i had predicted, scotland seems like a far away dream and i'm back in the full swing of college life. back in the routine. there's a part of me that dreads the routine, but i know that if i didn't have structure i would go nuts! so i go to school, i do homework, i see friends when i can, and i come home. i stress about assignments, just as i had before. i complain about the drama, just as i had before. i'm disappointed; it seems i've come full circle. it's like i've just rested my wheels back into the old familiar groove, riding on cruise control. do you see the pattern? i do too.

some things haven't changed since last year, and that really worries me. i don't want to feel stuck in my life again, like i can't make any decisions and like i'm spinning my wheels. cause that's no fun, right? some people have asked me to continue writing this blog, but i'm kind of afraid that all that comes out will be negative. there are definitely some positive things happening right now, but those are the balloons stuck in the tree that i have to go out of my way to attempt to rescue. i need to consciously allow the negatives to pass through my life..but it's definitely easier said than done.

i went to go draw in rotary park the other day, but ended up sitting on a bench watching the kids playing on the playground. i'm starting to appreciate little things like that. BUT that means i'm losing time for homework.. i'd rather sit on a hill to watch the sunset than sit infront of a tree for 3 hours to draw it only to be dissatisfied with the outcome. i'd rather go for a picnic and knit and burn insence and read new things than spend 5 hours in the ceramics studio throwing pottery, when only two of ten attempts work out. does this mean i'm lazy? or does it just mean i'm not enjoying what i'm doing right now. maybe both. if i don't get to spend time working on myself i'm going to go crazy. but if i don't get my assignments done, i'm going to do less well in school than i'd like. each choice seems like a regression of some sort. i need to find a balance, and right now that seems improbable.

there are so many things on my mind lately, but since midterms are VERY close, i feel obligated to put them on the back burner. i don't feel like that's healthy. i end up making excuses like "oh, i'll have time later for that." but the longer i put it off, the less likely it is i'll revisit it.

anyway, right now i'm writing on my blog instead of drawing or studying or the like.. so i should get back to that..